No, we won’t stay home
A few days ago a friend shared a video they took of an unsuspecting family having dinner in a restaurant. To paraphrase the post, the scene made her sad and quite distracted from her own meal because the two boys were watching their iPads the entire meal, had very poor table manners (specifically with their utensils) and never spoke to the mom on the other side of the table. One boy even had his earbuds in, and this was obviously seen as rude or inappropriate for dining out.
It struck a chord with me because that could have been MY family. I have been that mom. I am that mom.
My son regularly watches his phone while out at a restaurant and it’s something I can truly celebrate. Yes, you read that correctly – I celebrate it!
For years my family couldn’t go out to dinner together. When we did try to go out to dinner when our son was younger, it was either a disaster or an incredible challenge.
In most cases, we would end up leaving the restaurant abruptly because:
—-he could no longer wait patiently for the food
—-the noise in the restaurant was too loud for him
—-a smell or something he chewed could immediately make him vomit
—-he wasn’t behaving and being quiet, so we knew it was time to bolt
—-and on and on…
But we kept trying.
You know why we kept trying?
Because eating out is a part of life, and it’s something every family should be able to experience.
It wasn’t fair to give up trying since our older daughter would miss out on so many social opportunities because it was just too hard for her brother.
I can’t count the number of times that my husband and I took turns waiting in the car with our son, while the other one quickly boxed up the meals, paid the bill and hurried out to the car. We would be sweating, exhausted and feeling sad and defeated. Yet somehow we would always gather up the courage to keep on trying.
I can’t count the number of times, I would either cry in the car or cry at home because something so simple was so hard for our son.
So when I watched the video, I could see signs that told me the boys were most likely on the spectrum. There was the way he clumsily gripped the fork and had a familiar hand stim that any veteran autism mom would understand.
I replied to the post and said “this looks like when I go out to dinner with my son.” I explained that my son very rarely used utensils and definitely had some strange eating habits. I explained how lonely it feels as a mom to be out to dinner or riding in a car with my own son -yet be unable to actually have a conversation with him. I said I would give anything to be able to have a conversation with him while out to dinner.
I wasn’t upset at her for posting it. And I felt like it gave me the opportunity to hopefully give her a different perspective and maybe look at things a little differently in the future.
But the comments really infuriated me.
My personal favorite was “Sh*tty parenting leads to sh*tty kids.”….and that person went on to call the entire table “idiots.”… another was “Kids, they are what you make ‘em” and lastly “Sadly, that’s the new way of parenting. Disgraceful.”
There were several comments that did offer the other side such as considering if the boys had autism, or maybe the family was dealing with something stressful and exhausting and just all needed a break from each other – but needed to eat. But as I read someone saying they “see it all the time. Just stay home.” I started to boil inside.
Why should my family stay at home? Does my kid watching a video on their phone somehow bother you that much? Shouldn’t you be more worried about what’s going on at your own table than staring at us and worrying about what’s going on at my table? Gosh, it made me wonder if my family was ever secretly recorded and talked about like that.
When we do go out to eat as a family, we are always cognizant and respectful of the people around us. We would never choose a fancy restaurant. The volume of the videos are never loud enough for someone to hear at the next table. And, if my son ever does something that we think is not appropriate for a restaurant we will be the first ones to remove him from that situation.
The most important thing I learned from this post was that even though there seems to be an increase in “autism awareness” these days, there definitely isn’t the same level of “acceptance and understanding.” I will continue to do what I can and help to offer different perspectives to other people who aren’t living this life every day. I will hope and pray that people will decide to judge less and offer kindness instead.
Our loved ones need to learn how to live in this society amidst people who are so quick to judge, stare and wish that people like us ‘just stay home.’
I can promise you we will not stay home.
— Mrs. B
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