Friends (By a Guest Blogger)
FRIENDS
… some come and go in a lifetime and some stay with you and are rooted in your heart.
My first memories of friends bring to mind images from my earliest days in grammar school. They are awesome memories. And the best part of those memories is that many of the friends who I made those memories with are still in my life today.
I wish I knew if Eric will ever have someone in his life who he will call “a friend.”
He is in 2nd grade and has never had a play date.
Sure he has classmates, and other kids in his gymnastics class – but I don’t think it would really make a difference to him if he never saw them again.
As Eric’s parents we are so lucky to have some pretty awesome friends. Friends who I have known since kindergarten and friends who I met along the journey of life. I am so immensely grateful to each one of them for the support they have given us over the years; –not only during the “autism years”…but for many before that too. We have been there for each other through happiness and heart ache. And so maybe that is why I want so badly for Eric to learn to want and need friends. My own friendships have been so rewarding that I want that for him too.
It pains me often to think of the different worlds that my own friends and I live in some days. I get sucked into some ugly feelings and self pity and think how I’d much rather be taking Eric to basketball practice or a birthday party instead of being inside a hyperbaric oxygen chamber or going to a therapy appointment. But I’m so thankful that even though our daily realities are starkly different, our worlds can still overlap. There is that bond of true friendship that knows no boundaries.
Going to a friends house for a party can be exhausting since I know it will entail shadowing Eric around the house every minute to make sure he is not going to break something or get himself into some other kind of trouble. But friendship means so much to me that the effort is well worth it – and I also know that Eric needs that opportunity for social interaction with other kids. And I hope that my friends kids also learn to accept that they can have friends that come in all shapes and sizes; and even though our children may learn differently – collectively, they are still just kids who want to have fun! And Eric may not know how to hold a reciprocal conversation yet, but he knows how to have fun! So, there are parties we leave completely sweating and drained and others where we feel like “wow, that was almost enjoyable” and each one of those experiences is bringing our son one step closer to learning how to form his own friendships.
My one solemn wish is that there will be “friends” that will give him a chance. Even in my own life, I have had friends ‘give up on me’ for reasons I may never understand. I know that friendship should not be hard work. If it is one-sided or requires too much effort, then perhaps it’s not a friendship after all.
So….a big thank you to every one of my friends. I can never put into words how much I love you and thank you for not giving up on me when sometimes it might have been easy to. Thanks for letting me cry with you, laugh with you, and dream with you.
In the end, Eric will have to work a little harder in life than others. And he will definitely have to work hard to learn how to make friends. But I hope and pray there will be boys and girls who come into his life and find a treasured friendship with my son.
….guest blogger: Eric’s Mom 🙂
This is very well-written, and I think it speaks to concerns held by many of us who have kids with autism.
One thing I think is important for us all to remember, is that just because they cannot express something, doesn't mean that they don't feel it. For my daughter, Ella, she adored her older siblings pre-autism and enjoyed the company of others. Post-autism she ignored everyone. She wasn't shy, others seemed merely irrelevant to her. She would literally walk right over other children, as if they weren't even there. She didn't make eye contact, etc. As we've been on this journey and experienced a great improvement due in part to the GFCF diet, which seemed to "lift the fog" for her and allow other things to help her – we've seen a shift in this. She makes eye contact again, she plays with us, she is becoming more and more interactive with her siblings all the time. And she's even starting to look at strangers and interact with them some.
It is my believe that she actually did care about all of those things during the worst times too, but that she couldn't express it. Just like the autistic kids who couldn't speak, then proved to the world their intelligence when able to use AAC devices to communicate, I believe that the emotional connection is the same way. I think it is there. They just can't express it yet. My daughter would tell me she loved me, then she couldn't, now sometimes she can again (rarely). But she looks at me with such love and happiness again now. In my heart, I know it was always there. Even when I could hold her for an hour and never once get her to look at me, or acknowledge me, I believe it was there. I believe it was always there when nobody, not even I, could see it.
I believe it is there for Eric too. I believe he feels all of those things too. He may value those friendly interactions more than anyone knows.
Hang in there, Eric's Mom, and keep up the good fight. (((hugs)))
Beautifully written. Thank-you so much for sharing this. I can relate to it so well too. The hardest part for me in this area is when I see David actually try (rare but it does happen) and the other kids just couldn't care less or are cruel…
He doesn't seem to "understand" they're ignoring him, being cruel, saying mean things, or just being "cordial" while they have to be around him but I see it and it makes me want to cry and sometimes even scream at the unfariness of it all. A part of me wonders how much he's picking up on with it too. Outwardly he shows little to no signs of "getting" it but every once in a while I can't help but think he understands at least a little because every so often I can see the pain showing through his eyes… or sometimes through his outbursts when he's had enough (usually when someone is picking on him/teasing him/ trying to provoke him…)
It's so painful to see him have to go through this but I keep trying to put him in social situations in hopes of finding a kid caring, kind, and gentle enough to accept David as he is and be his friend. He's had one child like this in his life so far but the sad part is that child is no longer a part of our lives for reasons none of us could control. To add a bit of extra sting to the pain… David doesn't even seem to notice he's gone. I do though… especially at David's 4th birthday party where no one showed up but me, his younger brother, and his grandma…
Thank you for sharing this! My son, who has Autism, is also in the second grade and has done so well that he is in a typical class with support only 1.5 hours a day, full fading to be completed by the end of this month. The children in his class are very supportive and loving towards him and many he would count as FRIENDS but in the true definition of what a friend is he has only a very few. He has very strong "relationships" with stuffed animals and Pokemon figurines. My sons strongest "true friendship" is with another boy with Autism who "gets" who he is and understands his way of interacting in the "social" world. We continue to hope for a day when a friend from his class invites him over to play but I am not sure how he would do outside the structured classroom in someones home where there are many wonderful things to touch, explore and break. Love the little man so much and we hope his future is full of wonderful times with his Friends in whatever shape and form they may come.
So I am relatively new to your blog – and was just catching up when i read this post…..it's a familiar story and one I think many of us wish we didn't experience. My son who is now in the 8th grade and has experienced his first "real" friend in all the years going to school, she is a true friend and they are great for each other…but I don't know how i survived the elementary years – my heart was broken for my son who had MAYBE 5 "play dates" in all those years…it was awful. The worst was when a parent allowed her son to have a birthday party and invite all the boys in the class except mine. He cried for two days and when i called them mom expecting for her to reassure me that he was just having a few boys and my son misunderstood, I was met with dead silence. A pity invite followed and I hope my son never realizes that's what it was – some people just really p*ss me off. I hate reliving that memory. It was the single worst feeling in the world. My point in all this is it took awhile but he has a "good friend" one who cares about him and WANTS to be with him and as a mom that makes me very very happy. It will come in time.