What If My Son Reads This?

365 days ago I wrote my first blog post about my family’s journey with Autism. 

Throughout this year I have done a lot of soul searching.  I have also begun to ask myself, “What if my son reads these things some day?”  What message am I sending to my adult son who one day delves into his Dad’s soul through my past writing?

Here’s the thing, Handsome:  Daddy is on a journey, just like you.  Daddy is learning as he goes, just like you.  Daddy’s thoughts, emotions and opinions change and evolve as you lead him through this amazing life.  If I ever thought, implied, or wrote about you being “broken” or “imperfect” in any way, I was wrong.  Let me repeat that and make it perfectly clear… I was wrong.  You were a curve ball in my life, to be sure.  But what a perfect, awe-inspiring, greatly-needed curve ball you were. 

I don’t “hate” Autism.  My biggest regret is ever using that vile word.  I no longer think Autism is something to “Attack.”  My writings of delight at your smallest expressions of empathy, sarcasm, love and humor were not meant to imply that I thought you were incapable of such things.  But your Mom and I were waiting so long for you to express them that we were literally staggered when they emerged.  I have apologized to God for cursing him during my darkest moments.  Now, let me apologize to you.  I am sorry, Kiddo. 

I will continue to write.  And I will never go back and edit my work.  I think it’s important to chronicle our little walk together.  But each lesson you teach me, improves me… and I just wanted to thank you for that. 

Love,
Daddy