“I’m Going to College!”

“I’m going to college”….   four words that filled my heart in so many ways…..  Those are the word’s a friend’s son said when he found out he was accepted into not one but two special needs college programs.

I remember it vividly when I saw her post about it on facebook — it actually made my eyes well up with tears. 

It gave me hope. 

It gave me a case of the “maybe’s” and “what if’s.” 

This mom is someone who has helped to advocate for her son, as well as acknowledge all the people along the way who have had a hand in helping her boy achieve such amazing goals.

We all know as parents, that you experience lots of “highs” and “lows” as your children grow up.    

She has shouted from the mountain tops about the commitment, dedication, and compassion of the teachers and administrators who have worked with her boy over the years.  She has said things like: “It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly wonderful the teachers and administrators are…teachers are some of the most important people in our lives….” and will explain how, as a special needs mom, those people are the ones that give daily peace of mind to know that there are people out there who care as much as a child’s own parent.

She has expressed worry and disappointments such as, “I am devastated that (my son) may never know what it feels like to graduate from college with a 4-year degree, he may never leave home, never fall in love, never get married.  Yet despite the circumstances, I am so damn grateful and lucky.  I am grateful and will keep marching on.”

So when her son was participating in a trial run at one of these special needs college programs, she described how she was “overcome with emotion” and was excited and anxious about the opportunity – and the reality that was before her and her child!

And then the day came…. her boy started school…. in an amazing special needs college program where he can learn to become more independent and at the same time, probably, more importantly, he can be surrounded by peers and further strengthen his social skills and understanding of social norms.    This program didn’t initially offer residential options but is now just starting to test it out and see how it works with their special needs students.  

Her son was pretty much promised a spot this year after he was turned down two previous times based on the availability of rooms.   He went through a stressful interview process a few weeks ago.   And after all of that, it was determined that he wasn’t ready for a dorm.

Heartbreak again.

The reason?  They said sometime last semester, he didn’t follow a campus rule and he walked a girl to her dorm at night.  (Despite no males being allowed).

While I understand that rules are rules, and must be followed, the context of the whole situation doesn’t add up to me.   If this was a deal breaker, and they knew about it since last semester- why bother putting him through the interview process?   

This program is described as a way that students will be able to:

-monitor their own progress

-make choices about classes and leisure activities

-interact with faculty to meet their own needs

-learn to make a resume, look for jobs, use public transportation, manage their own time

with the ultimate goal to:

BE AS INDEPENDENT AS POSSIBLE WHEN THEY LEAVE THE PROGRAM!

Peer Mentors are an essential component of the program. They accompany them to various locations throughout the campus. They also help them study and organize their course materials. Volunteers are matched based on expertise, desires, and their individual class schedules.

Why do you think they assign peer mentors?   Because it’s quite obvious that there are social situations that will be unfamiliar and they can learn through modeling the peer behavior. 

It’s obvious to everyone that this boy didn’t understand he was breaking a rule, and it’s obvious to me that the girl he was walking back to the dorm didn’t 1) share the information that he couldn’t enter the dorm or 2) wasn’t aware that it was a rule herself.

But that was the reason for the denial.  And it stinks. 

Its experiences like this that will help him to grow and be more independent-which is the goal of the entire program.  It’s experiences like this that students NEED.

Despite the overwhelming disappointment, the mom proclaimed that she has never been prouder of her son.   To a mom who has witnessed her son grow up over the years and have moments where he could not understand some social norms — like when it was and wasn’t acceptable to go out of your house in your underwear!  — it was actually a pretty big victory that this boy knew to watch out for this young lady’s safety walking her back to the dorm late at night.

If that isn’t a behavior that we should be teaching ALL of our children, I don’t know what is!

We all make mistakes.  We all learn from our mistakes.  Especially when there is no malicious intent or repeated offense, we need to accept that making mistakes is all a part of growing up or growing as a person.   So punishing someone for an honorable gesture such as this, just doesn’t make sense.

And it is just another way that life is extra hard to navigate for special needs kids.

I’m personally in the midst of doing college tours with our 17-year-old daughter.  I told this mom that I hope when our daughter leaves for college, that she will be lucky enough to find a boy that will help ensure she safely reaches the dorm in the evening and I agree, I couldn’t be more proud of her son.

I hope that the college will re-think their decision and give this boy a chance for independent living!  Even if they don’t this semester, I hope he won’t give up trying……

—- Mrs. B.