Someday maybe it won’t be so hard

I’m tired of pretty simple things always being hard.  Recently, we attended Family Weekend at our daughter’s college.  We packed up the car for the long trek through a few States and knew we were just going to have to go with the flow.   Bringing our son to this type of activity means you never know how long you can stay before he begins to make it loudly known that he wants to leave.  Of course, whenever we do something new for the first time, our son’s anxiety spikes with the “fear of the unknown.”  He doesn’t know what to expect.  He doesn’t know how long he is going to be expected to stay.  Even if we tell him over and over and over again, he will continue to ask us and be anxious about it.

He did pretty good on the drive to school — the last couple of hours he became agitated and would say “Long drive. Far.  Too long in car” over and over and over again.   He also asked the schedule for the next few days on constant repeat.   So in a small confined space with 5  people, you can lose your marbles quickly.   We made it – and despite it being pretty late, he held it together for most of the way.

We were able to have a quick visit to her dorm room – and he got to hang out in her bed for a little bit, while she gave the grand tour to Grandma and Pop Pop.  Then we ventured out on campus to try and tour a few buildings.   It shouldn’t be a big deal.  Nothing structured.  We weren’t expecting him to sit through a presentation or formal lecture or organized tour.  It was just us roaming the campus on our own.  He did OK…. the highlight was playing basketball on the outdoor court.  But he was actively counting down each building we went inside to visit.  “Two more buildings…..” etc etc.

So, when we hit our limit, we piled into the car and left campus.  Our main goal of the weekend was to spend time with our daughter.  Wherever she was, is where I wanted to be.  It didn’t matter if we were at a hotel, on campus, or shopping.  It was so good to see her.  To smell her.  To watch her grow before our eyes.  How could it be that she matured so much in only 4 weeks.  Wow…. pretty amazing.

The rest of the time was spent with a little bit of dividing and conquering.   The first night we went to dinner at a fancier restaurant that we knew Eric couldn’t go to – so Daddy stayed with him at the hotel, after going to Chili’s (Eric’s favorite) for dinner.  Then the next day, Pop Pop took Eric on an adventure to find the local aquarium, so we could visit some more of the campus.   

It just is what it is.   Many times I can accept that and other days it pretty much sucks.   I go through these roller coasters of emotions.  

“Why can’t we just do these simple, mundane things just like every other family?” 

“Why is everything such a production?”  

“Why do we have to endure this increased level of stress?”   

“Why can’t Eric understand that sometimes it’s not all about him and what he wants to do?” and on and on…..  I don’t have all the answers; and I usually feel bad later on after thinking all of these things.  

But I’m human.  

We always want more.  

We always wish for easy.  

We hope for happy.  

We pray for peace.   

But some days that just isn’t in the cards.   And yet we can usually look back and feel triumphant with how well Eric actually DID do with the entire trip.  We know there are many families who wouldn’t even venture to take the trip. Sometimes it’s easier to stay home than try.  You feel like you could avoid the stress, or the hard moments.  But we’ve always tried to expose Eric to as much as we could.  We were told by a very wise teacher many many years ago that our kids need to “experience” things in order to learn how to behave.   Even with social stories, it’s very difficult for our kids to grasp exactly what something new will be like.  So we have always believed that even though it’s hard, we need to try.  And my heart really wants to try a lot of things – because I want him to learn as much as he can about the world around him.  I want the world to know him, understand him and love him.   

I want it to not always be so hard.  Having said that I know it’s even harder for Eric – -and he is always trying to make sense and fit into our crazy world.  It’s just our job to help guide him every day through new situations and experiences, nudge him out of the comfort of his routines and sameness and hopefully- over time- make it a little easier for him…..and someday in a few years I will look back and think- that maybe — just maybe it has gotten little easier for us too.